Touching HIS feet- Charansparsh
I used to wonder about the experience of visiting a popular religious place. This wonderment had arisen from the various second person,third person experiences I was told about or I had read. As a result I started imagining the experience after reaching these divine abodes. I used to start thinking I would experience tremendous energy or visuals or some out of the way encounter. I guess I was 'conforming' myself to other's experiences, I didn't want to be left out; hence I started creating them (in my mind) and believing them.In-between I had seen a movie called 'Everyone says I'm fine'; what remained with me was the female protagonists state of mind. The male protagonist of the movie is a hair dresser who can read everyone's thoughts whom he physically touches; the only exception to it is this girl. She is this exceptional creature whose mind is sparkling clean, there is not even a speck of thought. I was so impressed by that state of mind where there is actually no state of mind...what would a person actually feel? How is it possible that there wouldn't be a single thought? I yearned for it. I even started 'practising' it! Yes with persistence I achieved that state of mind for maybe a fleeting second- just enough for realisation but not for evaluation.
Buddhist monks practice this same state of mind. When they achieve it, the mind is free of any thoughts and hence in any sense of time- past, present, future. The mind is then free to roam and this is how they look into their own past lives, their futures. The mind becomes the observer, and observes it's own state or non state.
This wasnt a 24/7 continuous process, I completely forgot about this experiment of mine for months. But it was there, always there somewhere just behind the everyday existence. It was definetly not there when I was climbing towards charansparsh; infact no thought except the self doubt of whether to go ahead or just turn back flashed my mind while climbing in that oxygen deficient cold desert! But when I reached the place, that was it. I didn't even realise it then that I had gone blank. I was registering everyone and their movements around, but what was I feeling, thinking, contemplating then? No, I don't remember it. This is like my holiday in Singapore, I was so crazy shooting it through the lens that I don't remember anything. Anything seen with 'my eyes'. I remember reaching Charansparsh and LO sir coming from behind and giving me a pat on the back. I remember so many people doing so many things. But me.....I was there and not there. People meditated, performed their rituals, I made myself a part of all that and still....we turned back. We rested for a while in between to take in the sun setting on Kailash. Someone was saying something about red bull, someone offered it to me? Someone was talking about golf courses? I was there! Then why do I 'feel' I wasn't there? Just before the camp there were two local boys smiling up at us, did this bring me out of my reverie? Did their extreme, pure, unadulterated joy reach me? At the camp everyone came out to congratulate us. There was a cloud of happiness all around, everywhere. I actually didn't know what to do. How to celebrate? Was there anything to celebrate? Then why this happiness? This lightness of being?
Well, when there is no closure in the thought process only one thing comes to rescue- a bar of chocolate, Mars :-) That empty wrapper in my hand and the taste in my mouth lingers on... Till I find the answers....
